Mr Prongs Would Like To Add
by foolofatook001
Summary: In which Lily happens upon the Marauder's Map and Mr. Prongs is seemingly incapable of insulting her. Twoshot.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** I saw this little headcanon about Prongs in the Marauder's Map not being able to insult Lily because James was the one who enchanted it, and was inspired :) Please disregard the rather weak plot point of _how_ she gets the Map. (Also, side note - Lily's middle name starts with a "J" but I couldn't find the entire thing anywhere so I made one up.)

Reviews would be lovely! Feedback is always, always appreciated!

* * *

"Peter!" Lily sped up, trying to catch up. "Peter Pettigrew! You've dropped your parchment - !"

The rotund boy disappeared around a corner.

Lily sighed. _I'll just give it back to him after dinner, in the common room,_ she thought. _I hope it's not homework._ She began to walk towards the Charms classroom. Just to check and make sure Peter wouldn't need it urgently, she unfolded it. There was nothing on it. Just a piece of spare parchment, then? Then Lily paused. Might this be something more than it seemed? Peter _was_ friends with Sirius Black and James Potter.

" _Specialis Revelio,_ " she whispered, pointing her wand at the parchment after she'd gotten her Charms work out of the way. The parchment stayed blank. Lily narrowed her eyes at it, and spent the the rest of the class trying with various charms to make it do something, anything, but was unsuccessful.

At dinner, she saw Peter sitting between two third-years, seemingly as far as possible from Remus, Black, and Potter. Black had a thunderous look about him, Potter's mouth was very thin, and even Remus looked put out. Lily couldn't help but wonder if their fight had anything to do with the stubbornly blank piece of parchment that she now had in her possession.

She'd ignored her previous resolution to return the parchment to Peter after dinner, determined to solve the mystery. Assuming there _was_ a mystery and Peter hadn't just dropped a spare bit of parchment. After she'd finished all her homework and her dorm-mates were settling into bed, she pulled her curtain around her bed and laid on her stomach, wand in one hand and a quill in the other, as she pondered what to do to the parchment next. Finally, deciding to test if it was just parchment, she dipped her quill into her ink bottle and wrote "Lily Evans" on it in her best handwriting.

The writing promptly disappeared. Lily sat up quickly, surprised. It _was_ enchanted! Other words began to appear on the parchment.

 _Mr. Moony would like to remind Miss Evans that it is rude to write her name on things that don't belong to her._

 _Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Miss Evans is a dirty thief._

 _Mr. Padfoot concurs, and also thinks that Miss Evans should keep her freckled nose out of other people's business._

 _Mr. Prongs_

Lily watched the parchment, waiting for the next insult. She was slightly offended ("Dirty thief"? She'd only been trying to help!) but also rather amused, and glad she had got the parchment to do something at last.

The last two words disappeared, then reappeared.

 _Mr. Prongs would like to_

The writing stopped again. The words disappeared once more. Lily stared at the page, confused.

 _Mr. Prongs respectfully disagrees with Miss Evans' choices of where to put her name, and hopes she had a good evening._ Then the entire piece of parchment went blank.

"What?" Lily said aloud, unable to help herself. "What sort of rubbish sign-off is that?" _You'd think they could at least enchant it so the whole thing insults you,_ she thought. _Sloppy._

She dipped her quill in the ink again and wrote "Lily Jane Evans" on the parchment. As before, her words disappeared and the parchment started back up.

 _Mr. Moony wonders if Miss Evans is unable to read, as they have discussed this name-writing already._

 _Mr. Wormtail wishes to say that Miss Evans' hair is exactly the color of rotting tomatoes._

 _Mr. Padfoot agrees wholeheartedly with Mr. Wormtail, and adds that Miss Evans is really asking for a hex now._

 _Mr. Prongs_

And again, the parchment seemed to freeze up. The last line erased itself, then started over.

 _Mr. Prongs disagrees, and would like to tell Mr. Padfoot to keep his wand away from Miss Evans. He wishes Miss Evans a good night, and thinks she ought to get to bed, as it is getting late._ The parchment went blank.

"That's pathetic!" Lily exclaimed.

"Sssh!" hissed Mary, one bed over.

"Sorry," Lily whispered. Then -"Mary!"

"What?" Mary whispered back, sounding annoyed.

"Could you come over here for two seconds?"

"Why?"

"I just need you to write your name," Lily replied. She had to test this.

"Can't it wait 'til morning?" Mary grumbled.

"No."

"Fine." She got up, scrawled her name on the parchment that Lily eagerly held out to her, and stumped back to her bed.

 _Mr. Moony asks Miss MacDonald to keep her quill to herself._

 _Mr. Wormtail would like to tell Miss MacDonald to keep her long nose where it belongs._

 _Mr. Padfoot wonders if Miss MacDonald has bathed recently._

 _Mr. Prongs bids Miss MacDonald good night, and asks her to remember that Hair-Extension Charms are not meant for nose hair._

She narrowed her eyes at the parchment. This Mr. Prongs seemed incapable of insulting _her_ , but not anyone else. Maybe she could trick him. She dipped her quill once more, then wrote "Minerva McGonagall" in her most precise, McGonagall-ish handwriting. Then she sat back, smirking a little.

 _Mr. Moony would like to commend Miss Evans for her efforts, but reminds her that forgery is a crime._

Lily laughed - she couldn't help it. Clever enchantment, that, if it could catch her false handwriting.

 _Mr. Wormtail is now doubly sure Miss Evans is a dirty thief, as she has now stolen someone's name, as well._

 _Mr. Padfoot would like to inform Miss Evans that if she was half as clever as she thought she was, she'd be twice as clever as she is now._

Lily laughed again. That was a good one - she'd have to keep it in mind.

 _Mr. Prongs would like to tell Miss Evans that there is no way she could ever be mistaken for Professor McGonagall, as Miss Evans is far too pretty._

Lily blinked at the suddenly blank parchment. He'd actually _complimented_ her that time. That was the exact opposite of what the parchment was designed to do. Although he had, in an albeit backhanded way, insulted McGonagall - perhaps that was why the parchment hadn't frozen that time.

So. This belonged to Peter, Black, Remus, and Potter. Had they enchanted it so it would reflect their personalities? She thought back on the insults. Mr. Moony - he was rude, but not unnecessarily so; a bit like Remus. And the name, "Moony" - well, that must be a joke if it was Remus. Lily had figured out his little… problem in sixth year, when Remus was never able to do patrols the week of the full moon. That was one solved, then.

Mr. Wormtail seemed a bit childish compared to the others; Mr. Padfoot, whoever he was, had had slightly classier insults; Mr. Prongs had been unable to insult her at all. _Dirty thief…_ Mr. Wormtail had to be Peter, as he was the one she'd inadvertently taken the parchment from. That left Potter and Black. Neither of them had any trouble insulting her to her face, but...

Potter _had_ fancied her at one point. He'd stopped asking her out last year, though. Not that she minded. Really she didn't. Not at all. She was better off without James Potter asking her out every other day. _Really_. Maybe they'd made the parchment when they were younger? Well, the part about asking for a hex, and the "clever" insult screamed "Sirius Black." There it was, then - Mr. Padfoot was Sirius Black, and Mr. Prongs was, by default, James Potter.

Hm.

She kept the parchment with her until breakfast, where she quietly slipped it into the still-exiled Peter's bag. His face when he opened his bag and saw the parchment in Transfiguration was priceless - Lily had to try very hard to hold back a smirk. When she saw him again at dinner, he had been reinstated, and the four boys were laughing and joking like nothing had ever happened.

Lily gave herself away a few days later. Sirius Black had made a smart-aleck remark to her, followed by uproarious laughter, and without thinking, she had replied, "If you were half as clever as you thought you were, Black, you'd be twice as clever as you are now." Then she winced. She'd just used his own line on him! But he seemed to shrug it off, simply saying, "Not bad, Evans," and walking away.

Peter had approached her later that day. "Did - did you happen to pick up a spare bit of parchment the other day? That I maybe dropped?"

Lily sighed. The jig was up. "Yes. I tried to give it back to you, but you disappeared on me. And then the parchment insulted me when I tried to write on it, so I kept it until morning and then slipped it back to you."

"Oh. All right," Peter said, sounding decidedly reassured. "So all it did was insult you?"

"Does it do more than that?" Lily asked, genuinely curious. Maybe she'd only triggered a defense mechanism.

"What?" Peter's eyes darted side to side. "N-no, it doesn't do anything else!"

"Somehow I don't believe you," Lily deadpanned.

"It r-really doesn't," he insisted, still looking terribly nervous.

"Oh, come on," Lily wheedled. "I sat there and let it insult me for ages, trying to figure it out. Can't you just give me a hint?"

"I - I - " Peter looked as if he would rather be anywhere but there in the hall talking to her.

"Petey boy!" came a good-natured shout from down the hall, and Peter's face went from terrified to utterly relieved in a moment. "And Evans," James Potter continued, grinning at her. "Hello, Evans. What's going on?"

"Peter here was just telling me about your brilliant insulting parchment," Lily said, before Peter could say anything that would let him get out of the situation. Potter shot a look at Peter that Lily couldn't read.

"I was especially impressed by the way that Mr. Prongs - whoever that is - was a perfect gentleman, unlike the rest of his friends," she continued, and now both boys were staring at her, wide-eyed. "At least, he was to _me_ \- he didn't even insult me once."

Peter was staring at Potter now. Potter was still staring at her.

Lily decided to play her final card. "I think I almost fancy the fellow," she finished. "Ah, well. Have a nice day!"

And she walked off down the hall, leaving Mr. Wormtail and Mr. Prongs speechless behind her. As she reached the end of the hall, she heard a raised voice saying, "Pete! She fancies me!"


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Plot? What's a plot? I have no idea... Just some more Marauders, with a bit of Jily thrown in! Partial credit to my little sis, who read this whole chapter over my shoulder and helped me when I got stuck. Love ya, kiddo! Big thank you to all my reviewers (so many! It's awesome!). Kudos to you if you get any of my references and tell me in a review!

Please give me more reviews? Feedback is always appreciated!

* * *

Peter had lost the Map. Peter had _lost_ the Map! James was absolutely furious. So were Remus and Sirius.

"How could you have lost it?" Sirius was bellowing.

"I don't know!" Peter whined, cowering. "It must have fallen out of my bag in Transfiguration!"

"Check your bag again," Remus ordered, mouth tight. Peter scrambled to do as he said. "Sirius," Remus continued, turning to him, "stop shouting. We're nearly to class."

"It had better be in his bag," Sirius muttered darkly. "Suppose someone picked it up?"

"You _did_ wipe it, didn't you, Pete?" James asked, trying hard to keep his voice even. The Map was _gone_.

"Yes - yes," Peter said, nodding very quickly, trying to walk and thoroughly search his bag at the same time.

"Least you didn't botch that, then," James said, and Peter winced.

"Find it yet?" Remus asked, an edge in his normally friendly voice.

"No…"

"Suppose someone chucks it in the fire?" Sirius was hissing as they walked into the Divination classroom. "Three years of work, up in ashes, because some lazy sod couldn't _keep track of it_ \- "

"Boys!" Professor Octavian snapped, as Peter flinched away from Sirius. "To your seats!"

James, Remus, and Sirius spent the rest of class ignoring the miserable Peter.

At dinner, it was made very clear that Peter would not be sitting with the rest of them until he had recovered the Map, or found it in his things. Peter did tend to _collect_ things - scraps of loose parchment, string, quills, wax seals - on the grounds that they might be useful at some later date. One of his more rat-like tendencies, James reflected, still irritated.

The next morning, however, Peter ran up to them, his face shining. "I've - found - it," he panted, out of breath from trying to catch up. "It was in - my - bag - the whole - time."

"You're bloody joking," Sirius said, and Peter pulled out the Map.

"No! I found it in Transfiguration!"

"Well," said James, "why don't you just give it to Moony to hang on to, yeah?"

"Good idea," Peter and Sirius said together. Remus took the Map.

A couple days later, the four boys were loitering around the fourth-floor staircase when Lily Evans happened around a corner and started telling them off for skipping class.

"It's only Divination, Evans," James tried to explain, but she wasn't having it. Sirius made some smart remark - he couldn't even remember it now, only that it was hilarious - and the four of them burst into laughter.

Evans was unmoved. Crisply, she replied, "If you were half as clever as you thought you were, Black, you'd be twice as clever as you are now."

James blinked. That was one of Sirius' comebacks. He exchanged a glance with Remus - when had she picked _that_ up? Peter looked confused.

"Not bad, Evans," Sirius said, and pushed himself up and off the staircase, striding towards the Divination tower. James, Remus, and Peter all scrambled after, leaving Lily dumbstruck in the hall behind them.

"D'you think _she_ had the Map?" Peter asked, wide-eyed, when James mentioned his suspicion that she'd got the line from Sirius, under cover of tea-leaf predictions.

"Well, but you found the Map in your bag again," James started, frowning.

"Maybe she just fancies Sirius," Remus said, a tiny smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

James glared at him. "She does _not_."

"You never know. Anyway, she's clever - she could have come up with it on her own," Remus said, fairly.

"Or," Sirius interjected, "she had the Map, tried to get a look at it, it used that insult, she thought it was good, and stole it."

"Maybe," James said.

o0o

She fancied him. She _fancied_ him! Lily Evans fancied him! Or, well, she said she _almost_ fancied _Mr. Prongs_. But she was clever - she could probably tell that Mr. Prongs was him - so she'd basically said she fancied him!

"We're not hearing the end of this, are we?" Sirius groaned, when Peter reported the afternoon's events to the other half of the Marauders. " _And_ Evans had the Map. Why'd you let slip that it wasn't just insults, Pete? Now she'll never give it up! And _he_ won't be any help," he went on, gesturing with mild disgust toward James.

"Yes, I will," James said, coming down to Earth momentarily. "I wouldn't tell Evans about the Map. You lot still come first."

"And you're still incapable of talking to her without making an enormous prat of yourself," Remus added. "You ought to work on that first."

"Thanks, Moony," James scowled, and Sirius grinned.

"Just think, Prongs," he said, "she'll never marry you if you can't talk to her."

o0o

"So, Peter," said Lily Evans, sliding into the empty seat next to the shortest Marauder. "I was wondering if I could have a word, real quickly?"

"S-sure, Lily," Peter stammered, shooting a look at James that screamed _Help me!_ as he got up.

"Oi, Evans, where are you taking him?" Sirius shouted, before James could say anything.

"I just want to ask a question, Black!" Lily shouted back.

"Do it here, then!"

"No!" And her red hair, followed by Peter's worried face, was the last thing James saw before the doors to the Great Hall slammed shut behind them.

They didn't see him until their next class, coming in and sitting down heavily at their Herbology table.

"What'd she want, Pete?" James wanted to know.

"To know how the Map works, I'll bet," Sirius said, shrewdly. Peter nodded.

"You didn't tell her, did you?" James asked, concerned.

Just then, Evans herself swept into the classroom, just as the bell rang, mouth a thin line and brows furrowed. Peter managed half a smile.

"I'd take that as a 'No'," Remus murmured.

"Hey, Remus, I've got an Arithmancy question for you," Lily said, after dinner a couple days later. "Have you finished that problem set for Vector yet?"

"Yes…" said Remus slowly. James suspected a trap.

"I haven't," she continued, brightly. "Would you mind helping me with it?"

"All right," Remus said, still sounding suspicious.

"Library, then?"

"Sure."

o0o

"I've got to hand it to her," said Remus, that night in their dormitory. "She's remarkably persistent."

"Dunno why she thought you'd be a better shot than Pete," Sirius remarked.

"Hey!" Peter protested, bristling. "I can keep my mouth shut."

"Sure you can," Sirius agreed equably. "And Moony can keep his mouth shut even better."

"She did actually have an Arithmancy question, too," Remus continued, sounding amused. "But mostly she wanted to know what else the Map did."

"She knows it's a map?" James demanded.

"No - " Remus paused. Then his eyes widened. "She _did_ call it a map! Well played, Evans," he said, admiring. James narrowed his eyes at Remus momentarily, then turned the full force of his glare on Peter, who had gone astonishingly white.

"You didn't tell her anything," James growled.

"Well - "

" _I can keep my mouth shut!_ " Sirius mimicked. "Honestly, Worms!"

"I mean - I didn't - "

" _Please_ tell me all you let slip was the 'map' bit," James pleaded.

Peter sighed, defeated. "That's all! I promise."

o0o

"So, James, I hear you're better at Charms than you let on," said Lily, suddenly appearing at his left during dinner. James nearly dropped his chicken drumstick.

"Merlin, Evans, you - " Then her words sank in. "Wait. James. You just called me James."

"I did not!" she said immediately, blanching.

"Yes, you did," he said, a slow grin building on his face. "Not 'Potter'. Not 'insufferable idiot'. Not 'Head Boy Whom I Still Slightly Detest' - you called me 'James'."

"You're hearing things, _Potter_ ," she insisted. " _Anyways_ , I was _wondering_ if you knew how to do a Incoluntus Charm - it came up in class the other day and I can't figure it out."

James started to say, _Of course I do, Evans_ , when he remembered that that was what they had used for the Map's defence mechanisms, and she probably would have looked it up when she realised that Mr. Prongs had _his_ personality (assuming she'd figured it out, which he was pretty sure she had. She was quite clever, after all).

"No, sorry," he told her, making himself look apologetic. "Haven't heard of that one. You know I'm rubbish at Charms."

She gave him a skeptical look. He kept his eyes wide and innocent. Finally one corner of his mouth twitched up. "Your face looks ridiculous like that, James," she said. "And don't think you're off the hook, _Mr. Prongs_." Then she stood up and walked away with a slight smirk on her face.

"You called me James again!" he shouted after her.

She didn't reply, only walked a little faster.

"It's your turn next, Padfoot," Remus predicted with a smirk. "She's going after us all in turn."

Sirius swallowed a massive bite of shepherd's pie, looking supremely unimpressed. "She won't get anything out of me, and she knows better than to try," he said. "She'll keep working on Prongs."

"A Sickle says you're wrong," Remus challenged.

"A dip in the Black Lake says I'm right," Sirius shot back.

"Done," Remus said, shaking his hand.

o0o

"Potter," Lily started one evening, when they were in the Heads' common room, both studying (for once). "How good is Remus at Charms?"

James looked up. "Well, he's best at DADA, but he's a fair hand at Charms, too. Why?"

"No reason. Just curious," she said, looking down at her notes. James looked at her for a moment, then gave a mental shrug and went back to his Transfiguration homework.

"What about Black? How's he in Charms?" Lily asked suddenly, several minutes later.

"What is this, the Hogwarts Inquisition?" James asked, mostly joking.

"Nobody expects the Hogwarts Inquisition!" Lily cried, then started laughing at James' bewildered expression. "It's a Muggle comedy sketch."

"What?"

"Never mind. My dad loves it. Is Sirius any good at Charms?"

"Probably, if he paid attention in class. What's this all about, anyway?"

Lily shrugged. "I'm curious."

"You're still on about the Map, aren't you?"

"So it _is_ a map!"

James cursed quietly. "Would you let it alone? We're not going to tell you anything else. We worked long and hard on that thing, we're not letting out its secrets for the entire castle to know!"

"I thought you liked persistence, Potter."

"Only in myself!"

"What is it a map _of,_ exactly?"

"None of your business."

"I didn't know you could map someone's business, Potter."

"I didn't know you were capable of being this irritating, Evans."

"I'm making up for all the time I've lost."

"And how much time is that?"

"About seven years - are you trying to change the subject?"

"Of course not."

"Right."

"I'm always right, Evans."

"Oh, hush," Lily laughed, and James grinned. Their banter was more friendly nowadays, more a thing they did to pass the time and less because they were actually irritated with each other.

"So you really won't say anything about the map?" Lily tried, one more time.

"Sorry, Evans," James replied, unrepentant.

"Fine," she said, and retreated into thoughtful silence for the rest of the evening.

o0o

"Ha, that's one dip in the Black Lake for Moony here," Sirius grinned.

"Oh, shut it." Remus scowled.

"So she just… gave up?" Peter wondered.

James shrugged. "Apparently."

"We should go right now," Sirius went on, glancing out the window. "It's sunny out, at least."

"I wouldn't trust her, James," Peter continued, looking worried.

"And the squid'll be on the other side of the lake this time of day…"

"I don't. She's almost as persistent as I am."

"Which is saying something," Remus remarked, wryly.

"Plus, Dorcas Meadowes is down by the lake right now, and we all know she wants to see Moony in his skivvies - " Remus punched Sirius in the arm.

" _That_ just makes it worse," he said, grimacing. "I am not going down to the lake if she's down there."

"Have _some_ pity on him, Padfoot," James interjected. "At least do it when Meadowes isn't around."

"Please," Remus agreed.

"Fine," Sirius conceded, folding his arms over his chest. "But I want it done this week."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say, mate."

"Is _no one_ else concerned over Lily Evans and the fate of the Map?" Peter exclaimed, outraged.

"How come you're so worried about the Map now, Petey?" Sirius said lazily. "I seem to recall you carelessly dropping it in the hall. Or have we forgotten the reason Evans is interested in the Map in the first place?"

"I - I - " Peter stammered, obviously at a loss for words.

"That's what I thought," Sirius said.

o0o

"Erm… James… I mean, Potter?" Lily asked in the common room one evening.

"Yes, Evans?"

"How'dyoudothatmapthinganyway?" she blurted.

"Sorry?" James asked, frowning.

"That insulting - parchment - map - whatever. I could tell there were lots of difficult enchantments on it. How'd you do it? I was of the impression that you all - well, except Remus - barely paid attention in class."

"I pay attention in class," James said, stung.

"You do _now_ ," Lily pointed out.

"Fair enough."

"But really - where'd you find all those spells? You must've been pretty young when you were trying them - how long did it take you to make it?"

"Three years," said James without thinking. Then he realised what he'd said and started mentally swearing.

"Exactly! Those are some complicated charms for a bunch of third- or fourth-years."

"Evans, you're going to swell my head even more," James said, grinning a little to cover his dismay. "Are you saying I'm intelligent?"

"I'm saying that maybe you should tell me how you learned an Incoluntus Charm in your fourth year over a butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks this weekend," Lily said, then smirked at James' utterly flabbergasted expression.

"Did - you - I - we - _what_?" James stuttered.

"Is that a yes or a no, Potter? I'm only asking once."

"Yes!"


End file.
